It's not about you when they ignore you or take offence at everything you've said, misrepresent your words, take them out of context, use they to prove their theory that life is indeed totally fucked and everyone hates them.
It's not you.
If you were being fired from a job or dumped by a lover, then it's a ridiculous phrase. It's a way to opt out of the arduous task of being both honest and kind. Of course it's about you.
Explanations are what people want. And they're hard to give but they're a mark of true respect.
We're letting you go because our company is cutting back and you are the highest paid employee. We're letting you go because we want people who can commit more time to the job.
I'm breaking up with you because I need someone who's more into the things I'm into. We don't have the same interests any more.It is personal, but it narrows it down. It's not because I'm incompetent then. Or unloveable.
Depression on the other hand? The way you're being spoken to, engaged with - it's really not personal from the point of view of someone in the throes of depression. Caught up, crushed. All energies focused on the basics of existence.
It wouldn't matter who you were, how you behaved, what you wore or did or said. It still wouldn't be about you. It couldn't be.
And so I am not taking it personally. Even though it's turning me into that crazed woman in her backyard muttering profanties at the compost heap. (It's not about me. What an arsehole. Every god damn thing has to be a huge drama. I don't need this.)
Even though that's what I need to do to get through it, then I get to walk back in the house as if nothing has happened (because it hasn't, not really).
And I don't walk back in until I'm done with whatever I'm doing out there; something I can focus on totally (planting those beans that have been sitting in the shed for six months this time around).
Back inside I can be quite separate from his anger. Small price to pay.
What about you? What does "don't take it personally" meant to you, personally?
Flo
I completely agree with you. "Don't take it personally" is almost always complete horseshit. Though in your case with your partner, I'm sure it's primarily true.
ReplyDelete"Even though that's what I need to do to get through it, then I get to walk back in the house as if nothing has happened (because it hasn't, not really)."
Those words really resonated with me. It's true; nothing really happened to you of consequence, and it's a great perspective to help you through the living with a depressed person. But I imagine that could wear on you day after day. Your partner is lucky to have you, but there must also be some really good things in your relationship that make it worth the emotional roller coaster. Yes?
I keep trying and trying to not take it personally; to remind myself that my husband is ill and he doesn't mean to be cold to me, or self-obsessed, or thoughtless, or demanding-but-distant, or to flinch if I'm physically affection, or oblivious to the work I do for him and the bills I pay for him when depression incapacitates him. I know it's the disease, not him -- but I'm human, not stone, and even knowing all that, I still *feel* it. I try not to, but (as Fragrant Liar says) it "wears on me day after day."
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that your partner's depression is back, Flo. My husband's too.
@Fragrant liar: Yes,sometimes there are very good things about the relationship. I guess the struggle for me is to figure out whether they're enough on balance. I suppose so far they have been as I'm still here. My perspective on this changes quite often.
ReplyDelete@SNY: Very sorry to hear that your husband is down again. And yes, I definitely know what you mean about how wearing it all is. It's fine to let it wash over you for a few days or weeks, but eventually it breaks through. I think it's definitely time at that point to get away if possible. Or for me that tends to be when I lose it and say things I shouldn't (or perhaps should depending on the circumstance).