A while ago I wrote about a friend of mine who was in a violent relationship. Tonight I lost her as a friend.
She was coming around for dinner. She asked at the last minute if he could come and I was forced to state my position at that moment; which is that I don't want him to come here, to my house. I don't feel safe around him. I don't judge her but I do judge him.
Her position is that they've worked through it. They spent the last six months working through what happened and they're moving beyond it. She says that if I can't get past it then it's my loss. And if she has to choose then she will always choose him. (Though I don't think I asked her to choose. But did I?)
It was awful. I heard the anger in her voice. And I saw her filing me with everyone else who made that decision before me.
Do I really feel that people can't change? Is it possible that this man who behaved so aggressively is capable of never doing that again? At what point are people allowed to leave their past behind and move on, as she says he has?
The truth is that my decision was not about her at all. It was about me and my family. I don't want that man in my house. I don't want him near my child. What if the situation deteriorates between them and he comes around here looking for her one day?
I don't want to be part of a world where one person can do that to another. Or at any rate, I do not want to bring any more of that world into mine than already exists. (Doubtless there are domestic situations in my sphere of acquaintances that I know nothing about.)
I admit I am afraid of allowing the possibility, the very whif of violence into my house. If this man is capable of dragging someone by the hair, slamming them up against the wall, chasing them around a house, how do I know where his limits are?
Maybe I could meet him somewhere in public, in a group of people, where I wasn't force to make conversation with him for an entire evening. I want the opportunity to do this without pressure. Although even then, how can I speak to him knowing what he's done? How can we ever be friends?
There was one thing she said to me that made feel afraid for her. Made me feel sick to hear. She said that her mistake was telling me about what had happened; that my rejection of him was her fault and she took responsibility for that.
Now I'm afraid that she won't tell anyone next time.
I feel sick and sad that I have lost this friendship. This woman was there during my labour. She was there at the very beginning of T's presence in this world. She supported me through a time of fear and pain. And I have now shut her out. I don't know how to help. I fear I've done the wrong thing and yet I am afraid to do anything different.
Flo
It sounds like you made a good, hard decision. I am sorry she is choosing to let it define you as "not her friend" rather than as "someone who does not tolerate violence people in her home."
ReplyDeleteTime will tell. You decision may be the one thing that makes more of a good difference than anything else.
ReplyDeleteAh Flo, I'm sorry - what a horrible situation for you. Know though that you have every right to set boundaries and that not allowing a man whom you know to be violent and abusive into your home is a perfectly reasonable boundary to set.
ReplyDeleteI am curious as to why she might have phoned at the last minute to ask if he could come. Of course this is purely speculation on my part but could it possibly be because he is unwilling to let her go out alone? If that is the case then the abuse has not stopped at all. It may just be emotional rather than physical at the moment in which case your friend may not recognise his behaviour as being abusive but in my experience it is almost unheard of for a man who has been that violent to suddenly become non-abusive. What tends to happen is that the man is on his 'best behaviour' for a while and then gradually (or sometimes not so gradually) the abuse starts to creep in again, often worse than before I'm afraid.
Flo all you can do is let your friend know that you love her and that you are there for her - that you are in no way abandoning her and that she can always come to you if she needs to. Even if she chooses now to turn her back on your friendship she will still know that that is the case.
You can't rescue her from this situation. Only she can make the choice to leave if and when she feels ready to do so. In the meantime you need to keep yourself and your family safe.
Take care. xxx
Thanks so much for your comments. I can't stop thinking about this situation. It's good to feel a bit stronger about setting that boundary for myself. I do worry that he is being very controlling of her and preventing her from socialising alone. I worry that she is taking responsibility for the situation. I will try to find a way to remain there for her given the circumstances as they are.
ReplyDelete