When I've been single I've made an effort for myself. But it's different when I have a partner. Then I make the effort for them as well. And I suppose I rely on the feedback and hopefully the appreciation.
But in a relationship where there is minimal physical intimacy I've had to do a lot of work to stop myself from waiting for any sort of comment or reaction about the way I look or what I'm wearing. Compliments are less regular than a suburban train I'm afraid. It's a long and uncertain wait if you can be bothered.
At first it hurt a lot. I used to put some effort into how I dressed (not consistently I must say but that made the times when it happened more noteworthy). I would go nervously back to the mirror to see if I'd made a mistake, left my skirt tucked into my undies, was sporting Courtney-Love-style-lippy or a Janet Jackson Superbowl wardrobe malfunction.
But gradually I've learned not to expect any comment at all. I know he's not seeing me in that way; even that he's afraid any remark in that direction might falsely raise my expectations.
But it takes a lot of mental energy to sustain the effort to dress up when it's only me who cares. Not a terribly feminist stance on the surface of it.
On the other hand, I've really started not to care how I look. I'm tired, both emotionally and physically. I work outside the home and do the majority of housework as well. I look after a three year old.
Also I had only in my late 20s come to find a way to accept a love of self-adornment as part of an overall rejection of the stereotypical expectations of women.
I have never wanted to define myself by my appearance nor spend a disproportionate amount of time, energy or money on making myself "acceptable" to society in terms of the way I look.
So my idea of dressing up might involve shiny boots and red lipstick one day, even low cut dresses and boofy hair. But the choices I make might be judged harshly by those who believe that you have to be this size or that shape to wear this top or that skirt (or bikini or colours or flat heels).
So I've been quite practised at not caring what society at large might think of me. I had a sense of my self worth, a confidence in my physicality that was not dependent on mainstream depictions of beauty.
Sadly though I must admit that this confidence is eroded when the one you love seems ambivalent.
And I've followed up that self doubt by traipsing down my partner's path of disengagement with the physical self. He has his reasons and I have mine.
Flo
I just found your blog and have spent hours reading it. I relate to everything you say. Are you still blogging? I see that your last post was three years ago. Please comment if you are still out there...I would love to connect with you!
ReplyDeleteHi there, I'm still here! I haven't looked at this blog for a long time. I'm so glad that you found it and that it's been useful in some way. I don't maintain this blog any more. It was very helpful for me to write it at the time, but I feel like I have nothing else to say and I'd just be repeating myself.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing if you're reading this blog you're going through some difficult times. Have you found other online places where you can connect? I hope so. It feels very good to find other people who relate to what you're going through, and I know it's hard to share this kind of stuff with family and friends.
As for my own situation, we're going through a really good period. The last couple of years have had their ups and downs, but less downs. I couldn't say why exactly, but my partner has been feeling much better. There are still impacts on our relationship, still behaviours and reactions (on both our parts) that come from darker times. On the whole, things are good thought.
I don't know that we will ever feel like depression has gone away, but we're enjoying things as they are right now.
Flo.
Flo, thank you for responding, and for articulating so well what we experience as partners of depressives. My husband of 11 years has always struggled with depression but the last two years have been worse. And I am constantly struggling not to succumb to the anger and resentment and sadness that so easily overtakes all my other emotions, and to find joy in our kids, my work, friends, and hobbies. Sometimes I am more successful than other times.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so happy to hear that things have been better for you. Riding an upswing, whether it lasts a day or a year, always brings with it such relief and gratitude for the feeling of normalcy, doesn't it?
I would never want to bring you down to darker times, and my inclination is to let you be, but if you are interested in connecting further I would love to do so via email. I have found comfort from looking through other online sites and have considered attending family support groups. I've also started seeking therapy for myself (as well as the therapy he does and the couples therapy we do together). It's a full time job!
Thanks again,
Amy