Take 1:
I went to see a band on Friday night. My body throbbed to the bass rhythm. My head hummed. My feet locked in synch with the drums. Everyone was smiling, so pleased to be creating this dome of sound and furious joy.
I am still smiling, grinning at the world outside the train window. Now it's my ear that's humming and my stomach is still protesting over that single beer. But I'm still idiotically giddy with happiness.
Take 2:
T was spending the evening at a friend's house so J and I could go out together and see this band at a local pub. We used to love doing this and pre-everything that is our life now we used to do it a couple of times a week.
J had a cold and slept during the day to shake it off. But still, as we all packed into the car (with T's pyjamas, favourite books, toys he wanted to show off and irrepressible excitement) it was easy to see that J's heart wasn't in it.
I won't dwell on the details except for the ones I think you might relate to, and the ones that sound so crazy that anyone else might not believe them.
In the end (meaning less than patience on my part) it was decided that we'd drop T off at his friend's place, me at the pub and J would return home to rest. I'd then find my own way back to T and call J to pick us up from there.
I'd been at at the pub about an hour with an old old friend who was luckily there as well. And we'd bumped into someone that I'd known a long time ago. So we joined him and his friend at a table and were talking when (cue music) suddenly standing quietly fuming behind me was J, waiting for me to notice his presence, which I would not have done if my friend hadn't pointed him out.
He'd left his keys at home and so had no way of getting into the house. He looked angry, refused to acknowledge introductions. I thought he might have come back to see the band and admittedly I wasn't all that happy about it given his countenance. Still, I encouraged him to stay.
He was silent with rage though because I apparently "didn't need him around", referring clearly to the fact that I'd found myself new companions easily enough.
I was a little embarrassed. A little angry. I told him if he wanted to stay it would be great. He refused and turned away. I went back to the table and proceeded to have a good time anyway. It was a bit awkward.
But I did it; I managed to really push him out of my mind. It took me about five minutes but I was able to focus instead on where I was and what I was doing and the knot in my stomach went away. It's taken years to get to this point so it's worth remarking on. (And there was only one beer involved so no Dutch courage either.)
And 10 minutes later J was back! It was time for the band to start so no conversation was really possible. We all herded into a small, badly ventilated room, full of expectation, sweat, breathing the same air at intimate proximity.
J hung out at the back of the room (it was very crowded) but my friend and I (who are pretty short and get a lot of sympathy) wriggled our way down to the front. The music was all enveloping up there. The energy of the room surrounded us. We grinned at each other like maniacs and had a wonderful time.
After the music finished the three of us went for coffee. J was in a calm, contented mood. We all talked and had a good time.
Now we've got another show lined up to go to (same friend). I think he's enjoying himself. I think he's surprised to find it so.
And I think the less this possessive crap has any effect on me the less he might bother with it. Let's just wait and see eh?
I'm looking forward to hearing about your weekends if you have the time to write.
Flo
Flo, you write so well about the back and forth of dealing with a depressive. I have frequently found myself thinking, "This is such a surreal situation. How did I get here? This is not normal. Can't anyone else see that this is not normal?" And I know, people say 'what really is normal?', but at the same time, I know this is NOT.
ReplyDeleteThis weekend I was dealing with a very difficult partner, struggling not to go crazy myself, and I found myself thinking that several times. I hate when I feel like I can't understand how my life got to this point and I know so much of it is directed by this shitty illness. I hate depression and what it has done to my spouse!
I made the mistake of attempting to take a trip this weekend with my partner and his parents. He wasn't gung ho about the idea. I should have listened. I should have said forget it. Instead I thought, this will be fun, and it'll be good to get out. I spent the weekend trapped with a depressed partner and in-laws who act like it's all fine and don't speak up in support of either of us. The tension could be cut with a knife numerous times, and yet "it's all fine." I felt like I was the only one in the room who could see a gigantic white elephant. It was not all fine. I shouldn't expect parents who didn't give him good coping skills growing up to be able to respond well now, but it was still excruciating to be in the middle of it, and it was really sad.
My spouse is constantly negative and critical of me and I guess it's easier to escape that when it's just us; but, with the inlaws I couldn't just walk away for a few hours. It doesn't help when you feel like you are being judged, at least that's my perception, because they can see their child struggling and the antagonist they see is me, not depression. I feel awkward and on the defensive. It sucks.
The hardest part of this sort of situation is when my husband stews for a few days. On the first day he gets upset with me about some minor thing, and then he takes hours and hours to get over it. In that time I've moved from a bit upset to very upset because I am exhausted by dealing with the sulky, depressed fallout of that stupid interaction for all that time. The cold shoulder, the snippy responses, the snide comments, the lack of kindness, affection or care. When he finally snaps out of it, I'm the one who is crabby and depressed...because by then I've just had enough. So that puts him back into a funk and we go nowhere. But I can't just put on a happy face and act like it's all great, especially when traveling. Except that's when it would be best to be able to put on a happy face, because you can't just have a redo for the trip later on if it's ruined by depression. How many weekends have been lost like this? I don't care to count.
Ah, it was a long weekend, can you tell? Thanks for reading and for a place to vent. I'm sorry that your trip to hear the band wasn't better, but it was nice to hear that J stuck around and seemed to enjoy himself in the end. You were smart to focus on having fun yourself. I'm glad that you were able to, in spite of it all. We need that joy! It makes the bad days bearable. Ellie