I think his intentions are good. Then again, maybe not.
That's the thing with being around mental illness, whether your own or someone else's. It makes you second guess yourself. It makes you wonder if you've missed something that happened or if you've imagined something happened when it didn't.
Did I really forget to mention that I was doing an 8am shift tomorrow? Was I hallucinating when I saw that lip curl? Did it mean something?
Lately he's been making quite an effort to communicate. Perhaps it's because I've disengaged to such an extent. (Or because he's afraid that he's losing control of me and he's reeling me back in.) He's made an appointment to see a therapist on Monday. (But will he actually go or is this just a way to look as if he's trying?)
He's making an effort to interact with the world again; to be part of things that interest him. (So why is there not enough energy to deal with my requests? Why am I still doing all the housework?)
Just as things look like they might be getting better I find myself to be more cynical than ever.
Or maybe it's just a tired Thursday night, a long day at work, a tempermental, weary toddler. Maybe I'm just too tired to care. I wonder if there's an easter egg left over somewhere. That and a glass of vermouth and a good lie down might just tide me over until tomorrow.
Flo,
ReplyDeleteI have read your recent posts with empathy and understanding. I can definitely relate to the feeling of elation at one step forward and then feeling like it's two steps back because he is still argumentative and seeming to snap most at me, his significant other. So frustrating! And it's so easy to get sucked in by things seeming a bit better...easy to forget about the depression, until you get clotheslined by that snappy response. Not fun.
I hope the positive signs you mentioned are things that will help J to move forward more positively. It does sound like he's recognizing your not being penned in by his situation. I think it's great and VERY important that you are reaching out to your social network. Your response was perfect in saying to him that you'd like him to be by your side in enjoying those things. You've invited him, but you haven't enabled him or stopped yourself from having those vital outlets because he is upset.
I read what you mentioned about therapy and wondered if J has been to therapy before. Has he been or is he on medication now? How has all of that gone? I am sorry if you've already shared about this. I am not sure I've read all of your previous posts; perhaps you've already shared about all of that.
Hang in there. You've got a lot on your plate right now!
Flo,
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. My DW is feeling MUCH better this past week, so why am I crouching in fear? Because precedence generates expectations. I've been down this road for the past 3+ years and I know you have too. She gets better, smiles, does housework and yard work at a feverish pace and slowly sinks back down into her sorrows and depression.
We've seen it over and over so we 1) don't believe it when they say or show they feel better, 2) we don't trust them anymore and 3) we guard our hearts from further hurt.
It's not your toddler, it's not your work, it's not even that Easter Egg hiding from you that making you feel this way. You are just tired. You are exhausted and worn out.
It's ok. You are a human and a wonderful woman but you DON'T have an "S" for "Superwoman" on your chest. You are probably tired, scared, angry, and/or resentful.
That being said, let yourself feel those emotions. and THEN take care of yourself.
Heal yourself and take care of that baby! I'm pulling for you!!!!!!!
@Anonymous - I really like the term "clotheslined". How perfect! My partner has been on medication before but didn't like the side effects and wasn't willing to continue. He's currently on Chinese herbal medicine which seems to be having a positive effect. He's also been in therapy before, bu it's very stop/start. Thank you for your feedback and supportive comments.
ReplyDelete@David, thanks for your response and your very encouraging words. I really appreciate your support.
Both of you seem to get exactly what I'm feeling at the moment. It's helpful to not feel alone in this.