I saw old friend last weekend who recently came out of a 10-year marriage with a man who has depression. He was very controlling and I hardly saw her for the last few years.
And she said to me, "I was starting to worry that you're doing a lot of tip-toeing around. You're always trying not to rock the boat. You seem afraid all the time."
It was quite a shock to hear that's how others see me. I guess she knows just what it's like to be in that situation so she can easily recognise it when she sees it.
Still, I thought I had it together a bit better than that. Although when I look carefully I can also see how carefully laid most of my plans are - how controlling I am to the last detail of how things will proceed.
So here's a procedural question I guess.
If I plan to go out and J is depressed, what do I do about my son? Do I leave him at home with a sick man? Someone who doesn't need the work of looking after a feisty, tempestuous, contrary 3-year old? Do I leave T in what is surely an unhappy environment? How can I possibly enjoy myself in those circumstances?
Or do I organise for baby-sitting with someone else? I can't know ahead of time how J will feel on the night. If he's well that's a lot of wasted effort and credit used up for nothing. (You'll know what I mean by credit if you've ever asked anyone to look after a toddler who doesn't sit down from dawn 'til dusk - it's like there's guarana in his veins. I can only call in the favour so many times.)It just feels like so many details. No wonder I'm a control freak. What do you guys out there do? Any suggestions?
Flo I don't know what to say except that whenever I read your blog, I worry about you too. I don't want to intrude, I don't want to tell you how it is because how could I possibly know?
ReplyDeleteBut it isn't o.k. that you can't even feel comfortable leaving your child with your partner for an evening so that you can go out. Having depression doesn't render you incapable of caring for a child for a few hours. The fact that your friend has expressed this concern only adds to an inkling that I had already.
Mental ill health is no excuse for controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour.
You are entitled to seek fulfillment and maintain your friendships. You are entitled to go out and have fun.
Hi Gappy, I struggle with this all the time.
ReplyDeleteI know that practically speaking, living with this illness means having to make certain concessions, understanding that he won't be capable of certain things when he's not well.
At the same time it's hard to know to what degree his capabilities are limited.
Sometimes also it's a question of my own judgement. I can make assumptions that might not be right.
In the last few months I've really been trying to free myself from being a prisoner to his mood swings. I want to give myself and the relationship the opportunity to survive (the priorty being on the former now) and that can't happen if things go on in this way.
The similarities between domestic violence and this situation are more clear when everything is put into words, clear to read.
Writing this blog is really helping me to work through my thoughts on this situation. Your comments and others are greatly appreciated. I need to hear this stuff.
Flo
I'm glad that what I wrote is o.k. with you. I really do wish you the very best Flo, whatever happens and whatever you choose.
ReplyDelete