Here we are again. I was once more getting used to things being so lovely. But of course here we are again.
And I was wondering this time just what is the point of revisiting the subject. If you're reading this you'll have been here before - up and down and up and down and up and inevitably, unfairly, (how could I allowed myself to believe that we wouldn't be here) down again.
This time the catalyst was a phone call J made to his parents. As mentioned before, his childhood was a less than happy one. And without fail any contact with his folks sends him back to a dark place.
It's not that they're awful people. They're just mired in their own problems - alcoholism and poverty being two significant ones. There's never been time for J and there isn't much time now for him or his son (a second rejection that he feels keenly).
A conversation draws him back into their world where bad luck is expected and few things go the way you want them to. Resignation is the dominant theme.
And so my happy, engaged, loving partner is once more too tired to move. His eyes are red-rimmed; the pupils tiny pinpoints in a haze of glacier blue. He's retreated somewhere far behind them where I can't reach.
I guess the point of writing about this yet again is so I can see that I have come a little way. I really do know it's not about me. So now he has at least one less self-absorbed person in his life.
Flo
Flo, I'm so sorry. Even though you tell yourself to expect the ups and downs, when you've been enjoying a lovely up stage and the wonderful relief of having your partner back, it always comes as a kick in the stomach when the "down" comes 'round again. It's a kind of grief, because you're losing the person you love all over again.
ReplyDeleteUsually the loss of a partner (through death, divorce, or departure) happens only once...and you grieve the loss and then slowly recover. With depression, you go through the departure-and-return cycle over and over...and it's a little death every time. For me, the repetition of the cycle, the familiarity of it, doesn't ever seem to dull the grief. Each time, when I have my precious husband back and then lose him again, it feels like a fresh death.
You and I seem to be in opposite cycles, as my partner is now moving into an "up" stage. One thing I did differently during his "down" stage this sumer (which was very, very "down" indeed) was to be less of a caretaker. I didn't prepare food for him, I didn't listen sympathetically to his tales of woe, I didn't encourage him to get out of bed, etc. etc., I left him *entirely alone* with his depression. It was hard, a I'm a care-taking person and I had to actually leave the house to force myself to not do those kind little things I usually do to look after him. I had to really harden my heart. But I don't like being reduced from a wife & partner to a mother & nurse, and I realized that I was collaborating in taking on this role -- it takes two to tango.
So I stopped. I just stopped. Which really freaked him out, and he went REALLY low for a week or so. That was terrifying, but I held my course. I thought: Well, he may stay in bed and be hungry and smelly and desperately unhappy, but he's not going to starve himself to death. And yes, I started seeing evidence that he was getting food for himself when everyone else was out or asleep, and after a week or so (with none of us fussing over him or checking on him) he grudgingly got up and started slowly pulling himself out of the pits of blackness. Whenever he spoke in a negative way, I simply turned away and did something else; I didn't engage with it at all.
I realized that my care and kindness, which had always been meant to help him get better, was now having to opposite effect: encouraging him to stay ill, because then he had no responsibilities. Getting well from depression is *hard* and I had removed some of the motivation for getting well by making the depression periods too comfortable.
I don't know what effect this change will have long term, but I'm starting to focus on myself for the first time in a long long while -- and it does seem to be changing things. Whether these changes will lead to a renewed effort on his part (through therapy etc.) to deal with his depression in a way that effects me and his kids less and allows us to repair our marriage, or whether this focus on my own needs now will eventually lead to the decision to divorce, I just don't know at this stage. I'm taking it all very slowly, giving him time to adjust to the "new me" (which is actually the "old me," the independent person I used to be before his depression). People with depression tend to need extra time to adjust to changes, so I'm willing to give it a bit more time....but things are definitely changing around here. I'll keep you posted.
And you are in my heart. I hope J emerges again soon. And learns to have better boundaries with his parents. (Always a hard thing to do with a toxic parental relationship, but necessary.)
Hi SNY, I'm glad to hear that your husband is doing well at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI really found your comment very useful. I kept nodding my head while reading. I relate completely when you say that the grief doesn't lessen with repetition; and then again when you talked about retreating from your interaction with his depression. I also think this is the best thing to do even though it might go against the grain of what we would naturally do as loving partners.
Please do keep me posted.
Flo