First of all, my partner's trip ended up being a good experience for him. He got through the night alone in the hotel. He went to a movie and stayed out late. He went to see all the exhibitions he wanted to see. He was okay, and better still, I do believe he was actually happy!
Yesterday's low turned around in a record half-a-day. I couldn't believe it. This is definitely a new phase of his depression. Usually he feels low for a couple of days (and before that it would be a couple of weeks). The switches happened so rapidly this time. It literally took minutes for him to swing from fine to stormy and then back again.
I was caught off guard both times. I didn't see the low coming at all. In fact, so good were things feeling that I risked including him in a bit of forward planning (which unfortunately tipped things over). I guess I took it hard because the disappointment was great. I was riding quite high.
But today is, well, fine again. He even kissed me this morning and apologised for yesterday's outbursts. And I felt totally genuine about it when I told him that he didn't need to apologise for feeling down; although I appreciated his apology for the harsh words.
We're on holidays today.. We went to breakfast together. I'm doing bits and pieces around the house. He's doing whatever he's doing. (I'm not looking, not minding, none-of-my-business.) Obviously, I'm taking shallow breaths. (Not quite holding my breath, but...)
Flo
Oh your life sounds so similar to mine. Not identical but the way so much of my energy is spent on living with his moods and always hoping he might be happy and talk to me and kiss me and show some enthusiasm about some thing. The thing is he has not always been like this, he can be so lively, funny charming, sexy- other wise even I would not have stayed this long. Do you feel able to say what the origin of your partner's depression is? My partner's family has a very depressive streak and includes a suicide. They hold all their feelings inside- a big difference between your partner and mine is that my partner very rarely accepts that he might be ill. So I often feel like I'm living in this weird universe where the things are pretty mad but it is all unacknowledged. At the moment I have just given up trying to change things for him/ between us and am doing my best to make my own life as good as possible. I sometimes regard it as a kind of challenge to be sane in the face of his destructive illness. Keep writing.
ReplyDelete