Over night

My partner has gone on an over-night trip. The night before he left he panicked. He told me that the last time he was alone in a hotel room he had very dark thoughts and he was afraid to go.

It's my fault he's away. I bought him tickets to see an exhibition that he was interested in. And I got him a night in a hotel because I thought he would prefer not to be rushed while viewing it and the show is on in a city quite far away from us. I thought he would appreciate the solitude. (It's what he seems to love at home.)


Anyway, I packed his bag for him and booked the taxi for early in the morning. And the whole time it felt like the little ball of acid in my stomach was rising into my throat. Heartburn. Fear. The whole time I kept trying to rationalise the fear. He sometimes feel this way and then he tells me about his feelings and then he doesn't do it. But I also know that people do kill themselves. I've been around it.

So in the morning he went after we agreed that if he still felt bad he should just buy a return ticket and come back the same day. We were in touch throughout the day yesterday. He said he was enjoying himself and when we spoke last night just before he went to bed he said he was feeling good.

Meanwhile, I've taken our son for a couple of days at the beach to visit family. I am having a good time, mostly. As the day progressed yesterday I started to relax.

I feel like we're attached with a string, like one of those tin-can phones. And I'm always listening for a tug on the other end of that thread. Always vigilant.

I didn't sleep so well last night but I'll wait to call. He won't be up yet. We're heading to the beach in a little while. The weather here is beautiful and the temperature is perfect for swimming.

Flo