I should probably declare (I don't want to use the word admit because of the pejorative connotations) that I suffered from depression.
It was the garden variety sort, following on from a marriage break-up and a death in the family.
These things would make anyone sad, but I tipped over into depression.
I woke up crying, I cried while walking to work and all the way home again. I cried myself to sleep. Every day. For months.
And the rest of the time I felt nothing except when I drank (which was often) and then I felt good until I felt quite terrible the next morning.
Eventually I felt so little enthusiasm for anything that I thought I might as well step out into traffic because what would it matter? And it couldn't be worse than this.
So I did. But the truck's insistent horn pierced through the fug and terrified me back onto the pavement.
I remember my heart beating very fast, blood pressure dropping. The colours of the sky, the cars and the traffic lights were suddenly so vivid and I was feeling something. It was fear of losing my life.
I was working in the public health sector at the time so I knew I should go to my GP as first port of call. She referred me to a psychologist and I spent a year seeing her weekly and then fortnightly.
The depression eventually lifted. Counselling (and time?) and the support of family and friends worked for me.
In the course of my therapy I learned new ways to handle situations, to cope with anxiety and to challenge the kind of thinking that gets me down where I don't want to be.
I also got the opportunity to confront some issues from childhood that had laid the tracks for this kind of thinking.
That was many years ago. There have been times since when I have felt things slipping in the same direction but I use the techniques that I learned and they work.
I also sought help from my therapist again when I felt I wasn't coping well with having a baby and dealing with my partner's depression.
I think there will be more occasions where I will need help. I keep an eye on myself because I don't want things to go south. I want to catch myself before I fall too far.
That is my experience of depression.
My partner is having a different time of things.
While he is able to see that counselling is useful and how his past has played a part in his depression, this knowledge has not resulted in the kind of relief that I experienced.
There seems to be a far greater physical component for him. Medication has had some effect but a lot of that has been negative (more lethargic, flat).
Even though he's been fighting a long time, he does not seem to have made a lot of ground. (Or he doesn't think he has. Does that amount to the same thing?)
So the fact that I've been depressed does help me to empathise with my partner, but it can also be a hindrance.
I can't presume that what worked for me will work for him, I can't presume he's just not trying hard enough.
All I can do is give him the space he needs.
Depression or no depression, every person is an island, population of one.
Flo
I'm thinking revelations of the past are perceived differently by a man. Whle you found a profound relief to realize the mechanisms, he may feel he was weak, which only creates more problems.
ReplyDeleteMy "ah-hah" moment happened when I was in an Alanon meeting while my wife was in rehab. I was looking at the walls, which had the posters of the different reaction personalities, while listening to those attending introduce themselves. They came to me, and all I could do was break down and cry. I wasn't thinking about my wife, or the present. My past hit my like a ton of bricks and I realized I was still chained by my reactions to dealing with an alcoholic parent. I realized how much of my perception of life was hampered by my perceptions of life.(Does that make sense?)
Anyway. I don't know how you can reach your husband, so he can realize the past is a burden to shed at the first opportunity. Hopefully you have an ah-hah moment, and the method becomes glaringly obvious.