I'm gonna chow down my vegetables

In fact, it's much harder to really start doing things to look after myself and live my own life than it is to just support the concept.

For instance, this post was actually going to begin with:

I know I am never going to get him to exercise. He gets this weird lip thing whenever the matter is raised (like an Elvis-tick). So instead I'm making him eat veggies and fruit.

But as I was typing a rare beam of light cut through the dust motes (in our house, though possibly they're in my mind now too) so there was a nano-moment of self awareness where I saw the error of my Bob The Builder ways.

I mean, why didn't I just start forcefeeding myself  fruit and veg? Why isn't my own health incentive enough?

Well actually we're all eating them. A box-load of organic ones every week. I figure since it's possibly the only consistent, health-conscious thing we're doing it's okay that blueberries cost about the same as sapphires and we've got one corn cob to split between three people.

I mean, I could have ordered more corn but hell, I splurged on the eggs and I guess those chickens must eat gold dust and bed down on finest organically-fed baby hair - the kind that can only be harvested when the moon is the second house.

I'm not complaining though. For the first time in ages I can be genuine about liking the taste of broccoli. I've been faking it for years, it's true - and I'm a vegetarian. And tomatoes are sweet. And carrots are filling. (Hey, cake is vegetarian, and bread, pasta, coffee, you get the idea.)

I think one of the many legitimate reasons I have for being so goddamn tired all the time is that I spend a lot of energy still trying to make it all better (and possibly not getting enough vitamins now that I look at what I've written).

Even though I know I'm not in control of my partner's depression in the read-it-a-million-times-and-know-it-to-be-so-from-bitter-experience kind of way, I still do it. I still think I might find the right combination to fix it.

And you know, I think my efforts do make some impact when he's well and amenable to suggestions (like eat this, not like jog there).

But ultimately I need to just get on with it and eat my greens and see my friends and do a hundred other things without first worrying about whether he'll be okay with it or whether it'll be good for him.

Flo