There’s a very petty, mean side to me; one that seeks to get my partner back a little for what I feel he’s put me through.
The last month has been very good, the best we’ve had in years. Then I got a bit sick (no big deal, just a cold) and for some reason my spirits just didn’t recover along with the rest of me. I couldn’t sleep properly, had no energy for anything and I wasn’t much fun to be around.
And all the while I could see myself from above. Until yesterday I could see myself sinking a little lower each day.
The worst part was being aware that in fact I had a small amount of choice in what was happening. I was tired and angry and flat, but when my partner asked what was wrong, I gave the answer he always gives – “nothing”.
And I was a little more sullen than I needed to be. I didn’t want to respond. I wanted to retreat and I wanted him to chase after me and to feel just a little bit of what I used to feel.
It was an awful thing to do. It’s a part of me I don’t like, a part that wants a little bit of vengeance for my trouble.
I felt bad about it pretty quickly and this morning made an effort to get out of bed early and go for a walk and just push myself back into the land of the living.
But it raises an interesting issue.
Now that he’s feeling better (and no, I’m not jumping the gun or getting my hopes up or thinking that a month means anything beyond a good month, it’s too risky a fantasy to indulge) is all the anger and resentment going to surface on my part? All the stuff I’ve pretty much had to swallow because I couldn’t express myself too often without making things worse?
I really hope not. I really don’t want to spoil what is in fact a very lovely period of time, whether or not it lasts – particularly if it doesn’t last.
But there has to be somewhere for this anger to go. Obviously I can’t pretend that it never existed or that everything is okay when it’s not okay.
It’s not even like the person who is here with me now much resembles the person who is depressed and who I want to get mad at for everything he put me through – or the depression put me through.
And there’s the rub I guess – he’s not his depression and he wouldn’t have said/done those things if he wasn’t depressed, so I need to find something else to get mad at – like a depression piñata or something that I can swing a big fat stick at while yelling, “Taking that you [insert favourite expletive here]! I [expletive] hate you for what you [expletive] did to me!”
And yes, it’s all about me, again. It sure feels better just to write that though.
How about you? Got any opinions on this, ways to switch your brain to “good times” mode without letting the baggage from the hard times spill out all over the airport customs counter?
(Excuse me miss, there seems to be some irregularity with your baggage. Got anything to declare? How about an illegal quantity of [insert undesirable emotion/ bad behaviour here]? <-- This would be a cartoon if I had a smidgeon of artistic talent. As it is I rely on your goodwill and imagination)
Flo
(Obviously too much caffeine today)
Hi Flo
ReplyDeleteIs he strong enough now for you to actually bring up these feelings with him? 'Cause if he is, perhaps it would be a good idea to get a few things off your chest. I find that if I keep too many issues that bother me about my partner to myself (most of which are insignificant I might add))they mount up and I construct this enormous wall between us that can only ever be knocked down by an enourmous blue. Ridiculous because what created it was so small and petty.
I have started tackling these issues the moment they arise and have found I hardly ever get to the blow up stage. Mind you, I have become a nag too, but that's beside the point.
I too find anger surfacing when my partner gets better -- for I'm always exhausted (physically and emotionally) at that point from the million-and-one things I had to deal with while he was depressed. When he's better, what he wants is just to be normal and to put the depression behind him; he wants praise for doing his half of the house-work and being pleasant and behaving like a normal human being. Yet I've just spent the last weeks (or months) doing 100 percent of the housework and bill paying and money earning and getting no praise or recognition at all...and so what *I* want is for him to do *more* than his half to make up for that, to give *me* praise and assurance for a change, and to recognize how hard he's been on me. And he's incapable of that, for it takes all his strength emerge from depression and do anything at all. That's where my anger comes from. There's a little kid in me shrieking: "It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair. Everything is always about you. It's never about me. What about me????"
ReplyDeleteAnd the mature part of me says: "Honey, forget it. Your man has a disease -- and because of it, it's *never* going to be about you.You can deal with that or you can leave, but anger will get you no where."
Unlike Paola, I don't often talk to my partner about these things, for anything he perceives as criticism (no matter how gently I express it) can drive him right back into depression. If I need to get things off my chest, then I talk to a friend or therapist instead.
I think part of the problem is that the Non-depressed Partner has to be "up" and cheery and pro-active all the time - there's no room in the relationship for you to be down or grumpy or needy because the Depressed Partner has staked out all that territory already. It's completely unbalance . . . and completely exhausting for the person whose role is to be always "up". When I find myself angry at my Depressed Spoused, this is usually the underlying cause.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet, what can one do to correct this imbalance? Damn little, it seems to me. Case in point: I had a death in my immediate family this autumn, and not only was my partner unable to comfort or support me, he complained that my being so down and sad was making his depression worse. And although that was a horrid thing for him to say, it was also true.
Hmm no good answer to this-one I started taking an SSRI myself and it has really helped me. I went to my doctor becasue I could feel myself becoming more and more anxious and that anxiety quite suddenly slipped into the beginning of depression (intrusive negatve thoughts about myself, crying in the street- that kind of thing) and the effect of a low dose SSRI has been all but miraculous. Before that though, even though I got a great therepist, I was in a state of terrible anxiety having lived with his irrational negativity, hopelessness,hostility, for two years (prior to which he'd been really happy, looking forward to being a father,positive, suppotive and loving; it felt like the floor had been pulled from under me.) I was full of supressed rage although a over the course of three memorable days I let out two year's worth of anger and resentment in a marathon torrent of shouting and swearing when I could even stand to be in the same room as him-cathartic but not ideal. No it's not fair, not at all fair why should I/you/we always be the one(s) being sensible, pro active (and in my case forking out for therepy and medication)? Nonetheless the fact is that my reaction to his depression makes the happiness quotient in our house higher or lower and for our child's sake and mine I'm resigned to the fact that if I've got to be the grown up then so be it.Don't feel bad about feeling angry you are human.
ReplyDeleteI feel a lot better reading all your comments. Unfortunately it's not something I can bring up with my partner either because as has been noted by you guys, any kind of criticism takes things immediately to a new low.
ReplyDeleteListening to your experiences certainly helps though. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment.
I've never commented on here before and am wary of being intrusive, but I think you have a right to feel angry.
ReplyDeleteYour partner is obviously unwell, and he has my sympathy - no one chooses the hell that is long-term depression. As a kind and committed partner you have chosen to support him, but that can't have been easy for you - and you didn't have to do it. You would have been well within your rights to decide that you didn't want to take on someone elses baggage or be their carer, and leave.
You have clearly given so much of yourself, please don't feel guilty for feeling resentful sometimes - it's only natural.
Ultimately you are not responsible for him or his feelings. Your responsibility is to yourself.
I hope me saying that is o.k.
Gappy
On anger (with apologies for the long post):
ReplyDeleteBee, when you write: "Nonetheless the fact is that my reaction to his depression makes the happiness quotient in our house higher or lower and for our child's sake and mine I'm resigned to the fact that if I've got to be the grown up then so be it," I can really relate to that. I work hard at being cheerful in the house, because his depression is worse if I don't and then everyone in the house, right down to the dog and cat, suffer. But oh, oh, oh, as depression goes on and on it gets harder and harder.
I married a wonderful man who was my equal partner in all things, and then depression hit him, and now I feel like the only grownup in a house full of tempermental teenagers - 2 actual teenagers (my stepchildren, his kids by his first marriage) and a husband who has reverted to a sulky teenagehood in the depths of his depression. (Not to mention the kids' mum, during the rare times she's around, who is like another child herself.)
The trouble is, I'm TIRED of being the grown-up. I used to feel like a sassy, arty, accomplished kind of woman, and now I merely feel like I'm only a frumpy, grumpy mother - the one who keeps the fridge full and cleans out the toilets and works insane amounts of Overtime to get the bills paid, and is too damn tired at night to make it out to friends' art openings or concerts or readings anymore. I no longer feel creative, I no longer feel sexy, I'm just the household caregiver now (though the kids do help, as their own busy school schedules permit), without even praise or affection or appreciation from my spouse, who is too depressed to see much beyond his own misery. I'm too tired and too frayed from the things I HAVE to do to keep the bills paid and get dinner on the table to have time & energy for the things I OUGHT to do (like go out with my own friends once in a while) in order to keep up my own self-esteem. I ought to feel like Superwoman, with all I manage to handle from day to day, but instead my self esteem is in the toilet. I'm too tired to feel angry. Mostly I just feel older than my age, worn, and discouraged.
Do any of you here have that problem, and if so, how do you handle it?
@Gappy - Glad to hear your thoughts. And I appreciate the fact that you were worried about it too. It can be such a touchy subject can't it? Hooray for anonymous blogging (on my part) I say.
ReplyDelete@Sleepless in NY - I'm tired of being the grown up too. I won't go on because I get a lot of opportunity to do there here as it is. I just wanted to say thanks for expressing it so well.