Something's changed (for the better)

There's been a bit of discussion around being able to tell the difference between behaviour resulting from depression and behaviour that is not to do with the illness.

If only it were as simple as telling Dr Jekyll from Mr Hyde. As I've mentioned before, J experiences some physical changes when he's in a deep depression. His eyes are red-rimmed and his pupils shrink. The muscles in his face sag and he hardly seems to be able to drag his body around for the weight of it. But it's not always so straightforward.

The last few days have been interesting. The person I've seen emerge since this week's blow-up has definitely not been a man that I've seen much of through the depressive fog. Perhaps something in my demeanour changed. Perhaps I was finally serious about separating myself (physically as well as emotionally) from the situation.


I feel free. I haven't gone anywhere - not physically, not yet.
 
It's just that for the first time I am really not afraid of this relationship changing, whichever way it goes.
 
J knows this. He made a phone call in which he raised the fact that things have come to a head. I was amazed that he was able to speak so clearly, with such emotional intelligence and understanding. It wasn't that I agreed with everything he was saying. It's just that I couldn't believe he was capable of this level of interaction any more.
 
He sent me an email in which he said that it's hard to love someone unconditionally. 
 
He's right. I don't love him unconditionally. I don't want to. 
 
My love is conditional on the quality of our relationship - how we treat one another, the level of respect, how we work together as parents and as domestic partners, what we do with our lives and how we interact with the world.
 
I accept that depression affects these things, but I'm only prepared for that to happen to a point. I've come to realise that point exists. It's not about fault. Even if it's out of his control I still don't want to be in a relationship that doesn't give me what I need.
 
I think it must be just as hard for him as it is for me to tell at what point the depression ends and he begins.
 
Maybe the lines are blurry for him too and it's hard to switch from one behaviour to the other. 
 
In an effort to side-step my emotion (which he finds overwhelming) and his withdrawal (which infuriates me) we've agreed not to talk about our relationship in person.We are conducting all of that by email. I'm having an internet relationship with a man who lives in the same house.
 
In person we're going to keep it light. Well, not light - more a case of not working on things, not raising the subject. We're just going to try and enjoy each other's company and deal with the heavy stuff in writing.

In our real-world interactions I've started behaving more honestly. When he is offensive I walk away. If I am angry I go to another room and bash things about until I feel better.
 
I've stopped normalising the situation.
 
For example, yesterday he changed his mind about going to the movies at the very last minute. He did it because he was frustrated at T's behaviour. I was angry and disappointed and I let him know it. I also decided to go anyway.
 
In the end he came along. He was silent during the journey. At the cinema I said quite honestly that I'd made an effort for us to spend time together and that if he was determined not to enjoy it then he should leave.
 
And I meant it. I was disappointed and I had said so. I would rather have watched the film alone than in that environment and I had said that too.
 
I don't think I'm saying that he uses his depression all the time to get away with being an arsehole. But perhaps sometimes he does. And sometimes it might just be that he's become accustomed to certain ways of reacting to things; he's stopped exercising his intellectual faculties when it comes to our relationship, forgotten that it can and needs to be different.
 
I'm still not sure where our discussions will take us. And I find that I'm a bit nervous about either prospect - if we stay together this time will it just come back to this point in a few months? If we separate how will we manage with T? I started to write a sentence about how that would feel but I can't finish it.
 
Flo