Please add to this list

Depression isolates the sufferer and those around them.

The stigma and lack of general understanding in the community make it hard to get help and hard to feel like you fit in anywhere.

I just thought I'd share some of the things I've done specifically to re-connect with people and fight that isolation.

If people have other suggestions please add them to this list.


* Connect online

Participate in forums:

There's only one forum that I've found so far for "depression fallout" as author and psychiatrist Dr Anne Sheffield calls it.

She's set up a site where there's a message board for depression sufferers and a separate board for people in a relationship with a depressed person.

The discussions on the Depression Fallout Message Board are incredibly helpful in terms of finding support from those in similar situations and very importantly in getting feedback and practical help with the day-to-day.

If anyone knows of any other forums I'd love to hear about them.

Comment on blogs (well I would say that wouldn't I?)

The internet seems to be full of people who write well, feel passionately about various things, have interesting insights, and both similar and different perspectives worth considering.

Who would have thought we'd be able to connect with each other this way? Only a few years ago it would have been science fiction - a robot maid, a teleporter and an internet connection.

"I see Davros is planning to amass yet another Dalek force on the planet of Aa%&8dk."

"How do you know that Dr?"

"I read it in his blog."

Actually if Davros blogged about how hard it is to grow tomatoes in deepest space, how tired he is and how he struggles to work with such incorrigible nihilists (though "enabler" somewhat underestimates his role) he might well find an unexpectedly diverse online community to connect with.

Reading other people's blogs on various topics is a good reminder that there are so many others out there wanting to say: Hello, here's what I think about x; what do you reckon?

For me it doesn't replace over-the-fence neighbourly chats but is perhaps an inter-continental (wow that word doesn't really work as it should) version of that, with more frequent opportunity for in-depth discussion and no requirement to change out of daggy pyjamas.

*If you have young children, join playgroups, parents' groups and any activity going

My local hospital automatically hooked me up with a mothers' group when my son was born. It was daunting at first. Not all of our ideas about parenting were the same and I felt out of place on other levels (basically poorer and possibly on different sides of the political fence).

In fact those women ended up being hugely supportive for a very long time. (We're still in touch and the kids are now three.) The transformative experience of first-time parenthood transcended our differences.

And it was great to have a bunch of people around who were dying for company in the middle of the day when our networks of friends and family were at work.

I only told a couple of them about J's depression and it was such a relief.

Local councils also run playgroups and library activities. You can find out about this stuff on council websites, on bulletin boards at child health centres, in libraries, community centres, by word-of-mouth at playgrounds and in churches.

You don't necessarily ever have to discuss your home situation if you don't want to, although eventually you might feel comfortable enough about doing so.

Kids really make you feel part of a community and it's easier to put down your own roots when you're in their company. It also very conveniently provides another physical space to be outside your own home.

* Work

Starting back at work part-time has been very important for me. Initially it was only one afternoon a week. It did cost me a lot of effort to organise childcare and also deal with J's anxiety but I had a few hours a week where I was away from the caring role.

For me, work is so much less demanding than home. It gives me contact with other people, confidence in my ability to do things right and of course more cash.

I don't want to undersell the enormous effort that it took. There was guilt about leaving the baby and fallout from J trying to cope with the extra demands on his schedule. But on balance I've found it really worthwhile.

And one of the best bits is having lunch breaks and times in between sitting at my desk where I can meet up with people for lunch and do social things. I don't have to worry about how I'll organise that, whether J will mind looking after T on his own that night, whether I'll be home late and all the ridiculous tedious stuff that accompanies having a bit of independence.

Actually there's at least an entire post to be written on the subject of work but in this context I just want to say that it's a good way to stay connected to the world (with the major proviso that it depends on your job of course).

*And my final Sesame Street type thing to connect with people is to actually say hello to them on the street.

I don't know if this means that I have a reputation as the village idiot. But I do get a bit paranoid about the fact that we're the loudest people on our very quiet street - loud child with loud happy playing/marathon tantrums; loud arguments, slamming of doors etc. And I wonder if they think we always have those sour expressions on our faces. (Do we in fact?)

I just want to smile at them now and again, say hi, keep on walking.

The oldies stop to chat and admire the child. We've made friends with the grandmother across the road and best of all with the woman a couple of streets away who has three kids that get on brilliantly with my kid.

This is actually a lot easier to do than you might think. I am quite used to having friendly advances rejected in my very own home, so what on earth do I have to lose with strangers?



And that's it really. I realise this is only helpful if you're a social person who wants and needs connections with other people.

I am such a person. Living with a depressed person has at times eroded my confidence, shaken my sense of self worth and how I see my place in the world, the validity of my thoughts, feelings and actions.

I'd love to know how others go about doing this, how successful you've been and any suggestions you might have for other people out there feeling a bit cut off.

Flo