Something's not right - Part II

He's 25 and charming. As the guests drifted away from the wedding reception and towards the bus stop (yes we caught a bus home from the wedding - classy!) he put his arm around me.

It was probably to steady himself as much as anything. But yes, it was flirtatious.

Apparently this is the image that has haunted J since the night before last. He feels that my behaviour was disrespectful and that I had obviously enjoyed his company less than that of others on the night.


He said that the reason he'd avoided interaction all day was because he was "trying to get some perspective". An admirable course of action really, except for the fact that I needed to ask for an explanation, grudgingly given for his hostile, hurtful silence for an entire day. A silence which I am ready to deal with if it's because he's unable to speak, if it's because he's depressed. But as he told me himself, that was not the reason for it.

He feels completely justfied in his behaviour. It is okay it seems for him to wrap himself in unexplained silence while he thinks about things. My suffering was obvious but I suppose he was already punishing me for my "insensitivity" and "disrespect".

Yes I flirt if by that he means talking and laughing with people. I am attentive and enjoy the attentions of others. I am no different in that respect now than I have ever been.

Where to begin to express why this makes me so angry?


I will not dampen my enthusiasm for life and people in deference to his insecurities. I will not change who I am just becuase he's afraid of losing me. Part of my anger is about how much I have already done that; how much I've compromised my sense of self because I thought it would help matters. What an idiot I've been!

I am totally aware that his depression makes him feel incredibly insecure, colours every utterance and occasion in a negative light. (For example he feels that many people at the wedding ignored him.)

But I will not stop being myself because of these things. These are his delusions and I am so incredibly sad that it makes his life so miserable. But I will not curtail my enjoyment of life. (Even if I did, that would hardly/ has hardly made him happier!)

I suppose that's what he calls insensitive.

I was angry last night but in (almost) full control of myself. I told him that perhaps it was easier to focus on a stranger's arm around me than the real problems in our relationship.

He did not disagree with this.

I also rejected any culpability for his state of being at the present time. I pointed out that his distrust was unfounded and wondered aloud if he perhaps had things he felt guilty about which caused him to project this somehow onto me.

At more than any other time in my life I've had motivation and opportunity to seek intimacy elsewhere. But I haven't done it.

I don't deserve applause for this. I am simply honouring an agreement that we have about our relationship being monogamous. But nor do I deserve false accusation.

After this conversation I went for a long fast walk in the suburban night. It was cool for a change. The humidity had lifted. It helped me clear my head a bit.

Maybe this is bigger than whether I can live with his depression. Maybe I just don't want to be in a relationship right now. I want to focus on living - on my son and our happiness.

I just need to be very, very sure because of T (who kisses and hugs his dad so ardently in the mornings and looks forward all day to his return) and what this will mean for all of our lives.