My friend Jane and I went to school together and misspent quite a lot of our youth in each other's company. Over the last year or so we've only managed to communicate over the phone though. And in that time she's been swallowed up by an abusive relationship and a drug addiction.
Last week she was nearly killed by her partner. He ripped her clothes, punched her in the face and tried to strangle her. She escape with her life because she was sober and could run down the stairs, get in her car and drive away.
She ran to her sister who called the police. She went to court to see him and talk with him but was instead confronted by his lawyer and a counter-claim of self defence.
And yet when he called later that week and said he loved her, she agreed to meet with him and talk things through.
"I know how stupid this looks," she said. "If it were a friend of mine telling this this I'd think they were an idiot. I can't explain why I love him and why the rest of that stuff doesn't matter. It should but it doesn't."
Jane told me her partner was only violent when he drank. When he was sober or had the drugs that he needed he was great.
I don't know what it's like to be in her shoes - to be in fear of my life. I wouldn't presume to say how she can free herself; and certainly not to judge her for her feelings for this man.
I noticed that the way she manages her drug addiction is similar to the way she manages her relationship.
She gives herself responsibilities external to herself - a responsible job, pets, financial commitments - and she never, ever compromises on these. They come first no matter what. In this way, so far, she's managed to measure up to the expectations of those around her.
Now she is trying to do the same with her relationship. She thinks that if she has her own place to look after, her pets, her job - these commitments will put a limit on how much she indulges in time with him.
It's like handling dangerous substances. If she follows the protocols, takes all the precautions, she won't get hurt.
But she has been hurt. And next time he might succeed in killing her.
In this context we had a discussion about love and the value of love.
It's no good saying that he doesn't love her or that what she feels for him isn't love (the comparisons with her addiction don't go unnoticed by her).
The definition of love is slippery anyway. And also what comprises a person is complex. Clearly she sees aspects of him that others do not and they are valuable to her. Whatever he gives her (when he's not beating her up) is something she needs.
But so what? Romantic love is very highly prized in our society but I think it is over-valued. We play for such high stakes too - forever.
Perhaps if we had no such expectations (internalised or otherwise) we would never tolerate some of the injuries we sustain; neither physical nor emotional.
I don't mean that we ought to lack generosity and expect perfection from others. But we should be able to make a judgement about when the situation has ceased to be good for us. It should be okay to say: thanks very much, I need to go now.
And while there's always pain it should be without the added burden of failure.
We behave as though there's intrinsic value in the very longevity of a relationship. We applaud Mr & Mrs Smith for making it to their 25th anniversary. But why is that more worthy than Joe Blow who's managed 25 years alone or Mary Jones who had 10 relationships in that time?
All these paths involve growth and work. They can be done badly or well.
We can give our love to our friends, families, children, pets and communities. Why must we stick at the romantic relationship? Pour the majority of our time and effort into them at the expense of so much else?
I was going to say that I am in no way comparing my experience with Jane's. But in fact I am comparing it in the way that I see so much of my effort going into my relationship with J. And I do it mostly without questioning the underlying reason for doing it.
I ask myself: do I love him? Is he still the same person? Or if not the same person then is he someone I want to spend my life with?
But beyond that I should also ask: is this the way to spend the finite energy that I have in this life; trying make any relationship work in the long term?
And if the answer is yes then I've got a long way to go in defining precisely what the terms of reference are. They need to be worked out openly and they absolutely cannot rest simply, unquestioningly on the accepted face value of happy-families.
Flo
Your wise and poignant post today reminded me of this:
ReplyDelete"Even if romantic love is often short-lived, how mistaken it is to think its transience disqualifies it from significance. Such a point of view bespeaks a miserly and reductive way of thinking, as though love were a thing to be acquired and retained if it is to be of value. To think this way is to glorify possession over experience."
-- E.S. Persons
And this, by the great Mary Oliver (from poem In Blackwater Woods):
...To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
I recommend "Why do they stay?" on the Obsidian Wings blog: http://obsidianwings.blogs.com/obsidian_wings/2009/04/why-do-they-stay.html
March 29, 2010 6:24 PM
I work in domestic abuse service provision. Domestic abuse is most often thought of as only meaning physical violence, but it can also mean emotional abuse too which can have just as devastating an effect on the victim.
ReplyDeleteI meet many many women who love their violent abusive partners. They hope against desperate hope that they will change because they don't want their relationships to end. They just want their partners to stop hitting them. Like you, I do not judge these women. They have invested themselves emotionally, and you can't just switch that off like a tap.
Unfortunately domestic abuse is almost without exception progressive - it gets worse and worse over time. So you are right to be worried about your friend. If her partner has attempted to strangle her (which is one of the things that would make us identify a perpetrator as being high risk) then he will do so again. An average of 2 women a week are murdered by their partners or ex partners in the U.K. There is nothing romantic about that.
It is a misconception that alcohol causes abusive men to be violent. Perpetrators of domestic abuse do it to control and dominate their partners. The desire to control is there... alcohol or no alcohol. Men on perpetrator programmes often tell us that they decide well in advance that they are going to assault their partners, and then drink in order to give themselves a bit of dutch courage, but also so that they can then blame the alcohol.
I'm sorry this comment is so long. I really hope your friend finds her way in safety.
Gappy, Thanks so much for this comment. It's information that is frightening. I'm at a bit of a loss about what to do in this scenario.
ReplyDeleteHer family support her in every way but not in her decision to stay with this man. Her best friend has cut off contact because she can't go through another such incident and then watch Jane go back to him.
Of course I understand their stance. I really do. I just worry that if she is cut off from everyone then she will have no-one to go to but him.
On the other hand, I really want nothing to do with this man. She wants us to meet. She wants him to be accepted by friends so that they can have a "normal" life. But I don't know how I can do this.
Perhaps being part of a group of friends would have a beneficial effect. Although perhaps also it will normalise his behaviour, make it somehow acceptable.
I know it's just not that black and white and I'm very scared of giving her any kind of encouragement for continuing with the relationship.
However I am aware that it is her decision and I don't know what is to be gained by ostracising her when everyone else has already done that and it hasn't stopped her from going back to him.
Flo
What a terrible shame that your friend has lost some of her support network. You sound like a really supportive friend. Domestic abuse is something that is not generally well understood. On average women will attempt to leave an abusive relationship 7 times before finally making the break for good. Often women will go back again and again. There are many understandable reasons for this - fear, love, often the womans self esteem is so destroyed by the abuse that she can't imagine how she will cope alone. Just because a woman returns to an abusive relationship does NOT mean any further abuse is her own fault. The responsibility is always that of the perpetrator.
ReplyDeleteMy advice would be to continue to be there for your friend as much as you can and to give her the number of your local domestic abuse support services. That's all you can do. She will only leave when she is ready. I would definitely NOT advise becoming involved with her partner - it will not make him less abusive - and it may put your own safety at risk - he is a dangerous man who could have easily killed your friend.
All the best Flo, x