My partner is using online sex websites. I know because I inadvertantly saw it when looking through the web browsing history for a site that I couldn't remember the address of.
I was using his account you see. We have separate accounts so we can maintain our favourites lists and so on. But I came home from work and he was on the computer already. He was going to bed. I couldn't sleep straight from a work shift. Needed to wind down by watching a DVD (we use the laptop for that). I was looking through the web history for something.
I wish I hadn't seen it. I feel like I've been rifling through his underwear drawer. (Actually that doesn't work well as an analogy because I frequently do go in there to put in clean pairs from the laundry.)
Anyway, I shouldn't have seen it. I didn't want to feel this whatever the hell I'm feeling. It's just that he's always been so conservative on sexual matters. It's one of the few things we always disagreed on. But he was so definite about his boundaries and what he considered acceptable. And internet sex was not on his list of things that it's okay to engage in.
Of course that was when we still were having sex kind of regularly. Before the depression.
But the thing is we did finally have sex this weekend, after the wedding. It was the first time in about a year. So why did I find this now? And why does it matter so much? Why did I revert to the steretype of questioning my part in this? Was I terrible in bed? Does he find me unattractive now?
I mean it's just as likely to mean that his interest in sex is being rekindled. And although it may not have been part of his life in the past maybe he needs this now. Fantasising about sex is not a reflection of how one feels about one's partner - necessarily.
I wish I could delete the browsing history in my mind. Reset to default. I wish he'd been more forthcoming with a kiss goodnight.
Christ, I need to get some sleep. Have to get up early (what else with a 3-year-old) and then another evening shift tomorrow.
Sorry, there's no proofreading on this post in case I delete it from shame or something or other.
Flo
Flo, I'm very sorry. Just this weekend I asked my husband to remove any mention of me from his profile on an adult sex connection site (he had listed as a couple seeking others, etc). He deleted the account, but it wasn't a good moment. I'm not prudish either, and I'm actually okay with it should he want to buy a porn mag, but when the intent of a website is to meet real people for real sex, I find it much different, whether he's just "browsing" and looking or is motivated to take act on the site's purpose (and to attempt to wrangle me along in some "experience" that he wants to have). Sexuality, what sex means, the act itself - all aspects involved in it have become so fraught with difficulty, his "need," my pain, that I wish there was a way to remove it entirely, if at least for a period of time. I think the view of sex/uality in much of the depression literature is far over-simplified. What are your options now - do you say anything to him?
ReplyDeletethink the best course of action is really not to do or say anything. It's not something he wished to share with me and I really feel the need to respect his privacy with this.
ReplyDeleteA couple of reasons:
I think he'd be so incredibly embarrassed by any discussion of this matter. He already judges himself to so harshly in every possible way; I hardly want to add one more thing to the list of what makes him a worthless person from his point of view.
My partner's relationship to his own body is a minefield of insecurities. He refuses to be seen naked, always shuts the bathroom door, emerging fully dressed.
He's put on a lot of weight in the last few years. He won't cut his hair and doesn't often shave.
He hates the way he looks and I know that's a large part of the reason why he doesn't want to be intimate with me.
I think if he needs to have this outlet to fulfil the sexual part of his being then so be it. I don't think he would choose this path if things were well.
Having said this, I don't know exactly were it's headed. As far as I can tell (from the very brief look) it's just an online thing and doesn't involve actually meeting up with people. I'm sure I would feel differently about that. And I think in your situation I would have done exactly as you did.
So in the clear light of day I think the best option at this point is to do nothing at all. I need to respect his privacy and stay away from any kind of over-simplifications regarding sex (both in the context of depression and just generally).
How did your husband react when he was confronted on the matter?
he agreed, though it has left me with some trepidation. there were photos of me he'd put there, nothing with my face, but body, that I asked him to remove. ultimately, he deleted his account, though said he was concerned that he would resent me for it. I am concerned for this as well.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for your partner's body image problems, as these are hard enough when not afflicted. Do you suppose he may have wanted you to know?
The only similar experience is finding a porn mag my partner had. I actually found it to be a relief in a way cos it showed he still had some interest in sex, but then i felt bad becasue it highlighted the fact that we were not having sex with eachother.
ReplyDeletePorn can be a way of not being real, not present, not having to deal with a real relationship- internet porn inparticuar has a kind of mindnumbing addictive quality to it (so they tell me!).
Again, really relate to the body image issues. My partner has put on a lot of weight and his hair cut or lack of it has come to symbolise a kind of willful giving up on the simple good things in life.