It helps to remind myself that I choose to stay in this relationship.
And I get to make that choice over and over. In fact when I think about it like that I feel greatly empowered.
Every single day (or more often if I want) I am able to review my decision. I can make it again and it can be the same as yesterday or it can be different.
In the past I've been caught up in the idea that I've made a commitment, that I made the decision once and that I am bound to follow through on that commitment come hell or high water. And then when I've made the choice to go it's felt almost impossible, like I was defying some kind of universal law of physics or something.
But in fact it's not that way. It never has to be. I suppose it can provide a sense of security to think that a promise once made to stand by someone is an iron clad guarantee, but it's a false security.
A relationship has to be an active thing; a decision made with every interaction. I guess that can be a bit stressful in a way. But it's preferable to the alternative where no-one has any power over their own situation.
Today I'm choosing to stay. J has been making an effort. A real effort that involves housework and kindness. He seems to be making some choices as well.
Flo
Your wise and poignant post today reminded me of this:
ReplyDelete"Even if romantic love is often short-lived, how mistaken it is to think its transience disqualifies it from significance. Such a point of view bespeaks a miserly and reductive way of thinking, as though love were a thing to be acquired and retained if it is to be of value. To think this way is to glorify possession over experience."
-- E.S. Persons
And this, by the great Mary Oliver (from poem In Blackwater Woods):
...To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
I recommend "Why do they stay?" on the Obsidian Wings blog: http://obsidianwings.blogs.com/obsidian_wings/2009/04/why-do-they-stay.html
Your wise and poignant post today reminded me of this:
ReplyDelete"Even if romantic love is often short-lived, how mistaken it is to think its transience disqualifies it from significance. Such a point of view bespeaks a miserly and reductive way of thinking, as though love were a thing to be acquired and retained if it is to be of value. To think this way is to glorify possession over experience."
-- E.S. Persons
And this, by the great Mary Oliver (from poem In Blackwater Woods):
...To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
I recommend "Why do they stay?" on the Obsidian Wings blog: http://obsidianwings.blogs.com/obsidian_wings/2009/04/why-do-they-stay.html
Blogspot posted my comment twice. Sorry about that.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for that comment. I particularly like the Parsons quote.
ReplyDeleteI've just spent the last hour reading the article and comments that you linked to. It was very interesting and certainly makes some good observations and comments. Thanks again.
Flo
Sorry: I don't know why the above comments were posted to this thread -- they were actually made in response to your March 29th post about relationships and violence. Not only did Blogspot post my comments twice, but put them in the wrong place! Weird!
ReplyDeleteThat is weird! I've copied your comment and posted it again where you meant for it to go. I hope that's okay.
ReplyDelete