I think he knows that I saw the online sex website. Either that or he's found this blog.
Then again, it could be just about anything. This morning he was very, very distant. He was on the couch, on the computer when my son and I woke up this morning. He ignored me completely.
I asked him what was wrong and he was evasive. I followed him into the bedroom a little later to ask again and he snapped back quite angrily, "What part of I don't want to talk about it now didn't you hear?"
So I guess this is one of those days when I get to practice walking away; where I very deliberately put it out of my mind. I can't go through the day wondering what the hell I did wrong.
At the same time I don't want to simply bury the anxiety that's been created. I want to face it and blast it to smithereens. Dissapate it into atoms. (I've been watching a lot of Dr Who lately. We have a house full of daleks and cybermen and a kid whose first "swear word" was exterminate so you'll have to bear with me.)
So here we go. Anxiety death ray strike one: If he knows I've seen the website then it's up to him to raise it. I've made my decision about that.
Two: If he's seen this blog then it brings things to a whole new level of openness and it will be an opportunity for change to happen.
Three: If it's none of those things then it's got nothing to do with me. I can't fix it or change it. I have a whole beautiful day ahead of me and a great kid to share it with.
So I don't feel like crying anymore. (I know that sounds kind of sudden but there have been several interludes in the typing of this post which have involved building a felt zoo, wrestling and being a shark - all of which have contributed I'm sure.)
How do you handle these things? When the bottom suddenly drops out (again) how do you mentally deal with it? Do you have specific steps that you take, things you say to yourself, lists you read? How well do these things work for you?
Flo
You know, being chronically depressed doesnt give someone the excuse to act like an arsehole or to treat other people like shit. I have been reading your blog for a while and I think your partner uses his illness as an excuse to treat you like crap. I am not saying he isnt depressed. I have had chronic depression myself for over 15 years. I am also a qualified counsellor. The way he is treating you is emotionally abusive. There is NO excuse for that, depression or no depression.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a difficult line insn't it? Is it the the depressive, or the depression, that's responsible for the ill treatment? I am finding that consciously blaming the depression, rather than my husband, when he is emotionally distant or "blank" has been helpful. When it tips over into "abusive" I find it harder not to get mad at him... but the line is always a bit blurry. Is ignoring me and telling me not to keep "pushing him to talk about it" abusive? It certainly hurts. A lot.
ReplyDeleteI don't blame my husband for his depression, but I do blame him for REMAINING in that state, for allowing it to drive his behavior, to allow it to cause his treatment to become abusive towards me. I think too much of the literature geared towards partners of those with depression (and other mood disorders) is geared towards telling us what we can do, how we can change, how we can tolerate or sidestep their behavior - without, apparently demanding change, because that's not "sensitive enough". There's far too little that deals with shifting responsibility back to them.
ReplyDeleteHello again Flo.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments on my blog - they are much appreciated. (Please come back and tell me what the trick with the futon is!)
I don't want to intrude on something that is obviously very personal for you, but I do want to say that the behaviour you're describing isn't o.k. Like Anonymous said, it is emotionally abusive.
You're treading on eggshells, wondering in what way you are responsible for his mood, and blaming yourself for invading his privacy when you find out he has betrayed your trust by seeking out sexual hook-up websites!
While all the while having to look after the children and run the home aswell.
Depression doesn't give anyone the right to treat their partner with contempt. The responsibility for his behaviour lies with him. You don't have to put up with this.
I agree with the previous poster who said that "literature geared towards partners of those with depression...is geared towards telling us what we can do, how we can change, how we can tolerate or sidestep their behavior - without, apparently demanding change..."
ReplyDeleteI've been walking on eggshells for years now and my question is "WHEN ARE THEY ACCOUNTABLE"?
I have the same question David. My partner's depressions are episodic - although he is always pretty taciturn the worst of it are those episodes where the darkness seems to well up inside him and he "turns", physically and emotionally, into someone I don't like and who doesn't like me either. After a couple of days it subsides and things go back to "normal". But I never get an acknowledgment of what's happened... how he has treated me and how much pain it has caused. If I push for an apology I risk triggering the whole thing again.
ReplyDeleteThese episodes are pretty recent (just in the past year) so my heart really goes out to David and others who have been dealing with this "life" for years and years...
We have an appointment with a GP later this month to discuss diagnosis and treatment so I am hanging all my hopes on that. Probably foolish, but I really couldn't go on in this relationship unless I had some hope that things could improve.