Buzz Lyper to the rescue!

Well, we rode out that episode.

I think he's on the up again. Although his eyes were still flat yesterday afternoon, he talked on the way home and made what must have been a big effort to come with us to the park after picking our son up from day care (although once there he needed to lie down on the grass and rest).

One little girl was pointing at him and understandably asking questions about why that man was lying on the grass and what was wrong with him.

My three-year-old was unexpectedly ferocious in his defence.

"That's my dad!" he shouted in the Napoleonic tone that he uses for barking orders at his underlings (parents).

"Don't ask about him! Don't look at him! You're not allowed! He's my dad!"

The other mums smiled a bit. I think they were quite sympathetic (or I chose to read it that way).

I'm glad to see my son protective of someone he loves. At the same time I hope that he doesn't take on too much responsibility, that he doesn't worry and become anxious.

The reality is that my child has a parent with a serious illness. This may change someday, but it doesn't look likely in the near future.

We decided from the start that we would not lie to our son about my partner's depression, not pretend that his dad was fine when he wasn't.

We say things like, "Dad is not feeling well today. He's sad that he can't play but as soon as he's better he will get up and play with you. He needs some space to get better. We'll go and do something else in the meantime." And then I take him off to do something fun (not a trip to the zoo every time; sometimes it's just pottering about in the backyard).

We do this so that he doesn't think that his father's unhappiness is his fault. This is our main concern.

He tries to fix it though. "Why are you sad daddy? Would you like to borrow my Buzz Lyper? (His pronunciation.) That will make you feel better."

Did I model that behaviour for him? Taking on the responsibility to fix his dad? Or is it just a normal and loving response from a caring and sensitive child, totally appropriate to the situation? In loving relationships (and even to perfect strangers in the kind of world we want to live in) people take care of one another. They show concern.

I don't want to quash these beautiful qualities emerging in my little boy. I just don't want him to think it's his job to make his dad happy, to feel hurt when he fails and to eventually resent his father for the lack of response.

So far we're just working on using words to bring it out into the open so there is no shame and no fear or confusion about things where possible. Most of all, we try and take full advantage of the good days.

Looking forward to a couple of those ahead.

Flo