(Not the sound of fireworks)
Things have gone pear shaped after all. Today is New Year’s Eve. We’ve fought, I can’t say anything right at all. Only a few hours after everything seemed just fine, suddenly I am consumed with rage. I am thinking of leaving, planning how I could manage without him, how I will tell him that it’s over and that I can’t do this anymore.
We drove home from the shops and I almost jumped out of the car on the way, or I fantasised about it anyway. I held my bag in my hands and was waiting until we hit a red light. I just wanted to run as fast and as far as I could. My heart was beating quickly and I was sweating.
I sound crazy don’t I? It’s me, in moments like this. He looks stormy but very still. Like a block of granite. I am the one full of fire and scattering negative energy everywhere I look.
I am trying so hard not to feel as though the last day of the year (why the significance? Isn’t it just another day?) has been ruined. Or indeed the passing into the new year.
Why did I stupidly make plans? I know he said yes to them but why didn’t I think clearly? It’s dinner at a friend’s house and we will possibly have to cancel. That was not the plan. The plan was to have no plan and no pressure. And now I really want to go anyway but couldn’t possibly spend New Year’s Eve without him.
Anyway, just needed to get that out. It’s all been so good during these holidays so far. I need to remember not to take it personally. I need to calm down.
Making a cup of tea. Eating some biscuits. Trying to stop thinking along the lines of – perhaps if I say this now, or cook him some lunch, or whatever. It’s not my fault (even though he says it is) and nothing I do will bring him out of it.
(Eating more biscuits.)
Have you got any NYE plans? How’s it looking?
Flo
Hey Flo, I'm with you, I relate to pear shaped days! It hasn't been a fight today, because I'm getting better at not responding to the provocation. But as always (just about daily right now) it was hurtful just the same. I don't support him, I don't care, I'm no use to him. I don't want him to get better, I just want to cart him off to doctors to fill him with meds so that I can get on with my "priorities". He's not going to get better because that will prove I was right when I said he needed specialist help, and he isn't going to give me that satisfaction. As for NYE, have just rung to pull out of dinner with a group of friends we rarely see because of his d. I was looking forward to it, but was ready for the scene that would mean he didn't have to go. He's in week 3 of new meds under the care of a psychiatrist instead of a GP, I'm hanging out that something will change soon and keeping together a day at a time. He's just gone out without telling me where, so I can now shed a few tears (never do that in front of him) and am going to make that cup of tea, have a Xmas fruit mince pie and get myself together, horrible wife that I am! Hope 2010 is better for both of us!
ReplyDeleteDecember 31, 2009 4:40 PM