Fantasia

I have this fantasy of lying on a cool, pale blonde wooden floor, in an almost-empty apartment in the middle of the city, looking out through a wall made entirely of glass and watching the highrise windows around me light up as dusk falls.

It is quiet.

Except it wasn't a fantasy. That is what I did last night. Instead of worrying and running home to make sure that my partner was okay, I made a deal with him to be in contact at 8pm and I went ahead with the plans that I'd made for the evening.

Things that made this easier to do than it would otherwise have been:

1) Last night we were child free. (My son is staying with his grandparents for a couple of nights.)

2) I'd made these plans far in advance and they involved a very good friend who will soon be moving overseas, lending a bit more justification for keeping the appointment.

It was an amazingly refreshing experience. For one night I allowed myself to feel free of responsibility. I knew my son was safe and happy. I let my partner be an adult responsible for himself.

And I had a bloody fantastic time. I can't believe it. Maybe it was the lack of clutter in my singularly unencumbered friend's place. (And maybe it was the champagne? But honestly, just one glass!)

Whatever it was, I felt like my mind just emptied out of all the anxiety that had been clouding it. I could unclench all the tiny muscles that had been holding in the stress of the last couple of days and finally, actually relax.

And then magically, unexpectedly, I came home and… well, he was still down where he was when I left him but I like to think I didn't add to his burden. And we didn't argue. And we slept in the same bed and drifted off together. He was still down and he told me so but it felt like we were on the same side for the first time in a long time.

So from this moment of unexpected equilibrium I send out a wish to you, if you're out there having a crap time, that you also get a holiday in a calm space in the very near future.

Flo