Here we go and here we are. Angry, inert, eyes closed, arms closed, overwhelmed by spending two hours alone with the toddler (early in the morning, I’m home by 10:30am).
Dismissive, defensive.
I am trying to feel no guilt and no responsibility and above all no anger. I am going to give him time to be alone if he wants to be and I am NOT going to be angry at him because once again I am spending a Sunday without him. I will not resent him for the fact that my life is not what I want it to be, that there isn’t the kind, sensitive, funny, strong man that I met by my side. I won’t let disappointment poison the day.
(I am yelling this in my head, fighting the acid rising from my stomach, up into my throat.)
This is the battle front. This is the part where he suffers and I fight against the unassailable. My battle is not to battle. It is to turn aside and take a different route. It’s not easy because it requires a rewiring of my brain circuits.
It is usual to interpret certain behaviours in a particular way. I can’t do that here. I can’t say that when he is depressed and he ignores me or finds issue with everything I do or withdraws totally that he is trying to antagonise me or that he hates me.
The new wiring needs to take me to the conclusion that he is depressed right now. He is not capable of engaging or responding positively to anything. It does not involve me at all.
It hurts a bit to be irrelevant too. To have no impact on a thing. But this is what I must accept.
Then I’ll have all that energy that I use on burning up inside to do things with the day, to spend on my son.
That’s the theory. Now I have to practise. What a good opportunity for that today has turned out to be.
Flo
Flo - your blog has been as much a godsend as the fallout message board. I'm nodding along as I read every day. I watch, too - the flatness in affect, the eyes, the flinch; the fatigue, the physical ailments, the smell. Yes, the smell. Thanks for your writing, and for the reminder today that my day is what I make of it.
ReplyDelete(laski)
Hi Laski, thanks for your comments. I really appreciate them. It's interesting about the physical signs isn't it? There are so many little things that we become hypersensitive to, always watching for the earliest, tiniest signs of which way the wind is blowing. Hope there's some fair weather coming your way soon. Flo
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous (above):
ReplyDeleteYou mention a "fallout message board." That sounds interesting and potentially helpful. Would you mind posting the URL? (If it's not a private message board.)
Thanks.
http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com/directory
ReplyDelete