In the beginning...

This is a very quick post because I'm trying to get a salad made and pack bags for everyone, get the laundry in, wrap presents and manage a couple of meltdowns. I wanted to take five minutes just to check in though.

Christmas Eve is when my family celebrates Christmas, so this is the big one. I'm really trying hard to be conscious about how I handle things this Christmas.

So far what I've been conscious of is how difficult it is to control my responses. He's already gone back to bed twice (it's 9:50am now). The first time was when I mentioned that we had to take pillows to my sister's place for tonight. It seems he hadn't realised we were staying the night. I know we've discussed this many times.

This happens a lot where he doesn't realise something is happening and I think I've mentioned it. Usually I get angry because I feel that he doesn't listen to me and is so wrapped in his own thoughts.

Today I just thought, well, he didn't know. The reason for that is not relevant at this point. Not much I can do about that now. We just need to go forward from here and see what happens.

So I tried to do that. I let him go back to bed. A little while later he got up and I asked him if he still wanted to go, said that he didn't have to. Luckily he said that he did want to go. I don't know if that's because of anything I did.

Of course I really want him to go and I'm afraid of what will happen if he's here alone feeling down on Christmas Eve. I'm not sure how I would have reacted if he'd said he wanted to stay home.

Long before I met my partner, my friend's husband committed suicide on Christmas Eve. I am more afraid around this time of year than at any other time. I know his has nothing to do with him, but it makes me very aware that this time of year is harder.

Anyway, we've gone from salad to suicid in five minutes. I think I need to slow down!

Flo