This blog is a secret. It’s a bit like having an affair. None of my friends know about it and of course my partner doesn’t know about it. I love having this thing that is all mine and yet at the same time I feel like it’s a betrayal because I’m not sharing something which is making me feel so good, which I feel almost compulsive about, and which is really telling-out-of-school. And it’s a complicated pleasure. On the one hand it’s obviously closely linked to my partner. Isn’t the whole raison d’etre of this blog the state of his mental health? Isn’t this unhealthy for me, to be focussing so much on that?
On the other hand, this is purely my response to his depression, my way of making a path through it, of exploding and seeing where the pieces fall and then sorting through them and finding some order. It’s the secrecy that allows me to do this; to be entirely, selfishly honest without being afraid of hurting him or triggering a depressive episode.
And the reality is that my life is very much bound by the limitations of his depression. My challenge (should I choose to accept it) is to make this less and less true.
And to do this I need to face it more consciously, more head-on. I need to put it very visibly in one place so that it doesn’t take over everything else in a secret-under-the-skin sort of way.
So there it is. Honesty and secrecy. I need both. How about you?
Flo
In the long run, your own health, including emotional health, has complete control of you. Focusing your thoughts by writing clarifes ideas, and helps with your health.
ReplyDeleteI'd call your blog therapy. It's about change, release and the hope you can remain balanced.
"... It’s the secrecy that allows me to do this; to be entirely, selfishly honest without being afraid of hurting him or triggering a depressive episode..."
Some people would find this ridiculous. Me, I find it an act of kindness that removes us from the cruelty of our basic nature. You honor those you help - even if it seems they don't appreciate the effort.