Secrets & Lies (Part I)

Here's how it goes. he feels worthless, hopeless, useless and ashamed. He stays away from people. You don't go out socially together. People aren't invited over.

"He's got the flu," you say. Or a migraine. Or work is full on, wearing him out.

You don't go either because he feels worthless and interprets that as abandonment: You'd much rather spend time with other people than with him; you'll find someone else. You're planning to leave. You're having an affair. (Why wouldn't you?)

Your friends drop away, annoyed or upset that you don't turn up to things and aren't hospitable, hesitant to commit to anything, leaving early when you do show up.

Here's one thing I did right - I told people my partner was depressed. I told them even though he didn't want me to.

It's his illness but it's also my life. I refuse to be ashamed. I want my loved ones to know the particular circumstances within which I operate day-to-day.

They don't think badly of him. Some are sympathetic. Some are impatient at times. Others are actively helpful.

How would I have survived if I could not pick up my child and run crying into the arms of Sarah and her mum? Or call on Phil and his kids to spend the day with them? Or have Fran and Kelly to go on holidays with?

I would be lonely and isolated and desperate. I would also be depressed. My whole world would be confined by the state of my partner's mental health.

Instead my friends and family support me through difficult times and just as importantly, they're still there for the good times too.

Excluding people from the dark, less palatable side of my life would push them away. It underestimates them and devalues their friendship. I need to trust people with my less than perfect life.

What's the worst that can happen?

Possiblity1: They will end the friendship.

Well, they're probably just as unlikely to stick around for long given the poorly explained lack of energy that I have for the friendship at times (because I'm secretly working around the constraints of my partner's depression).

Possiblity2: They'll tell other people.

I'm inclined to say: let them! Don't buy into the culture of shame and stigma relating to mental illness. In reality though I only tell the people I need to tell. Hopefully they're judicious in their discussion of the matter with others. I'll have to trust them.
Possibility 3: My partner will find out and be upset by it.

I can't take his insecurity and shame on board. I won't hide phone conversations where I'm turning down an event and giving the real explanation for our absence. I say, "He's going through a low period right now. I don't think we can make it." At first he was a bit panicked by it but it's not a big deal anymore. I need to have honest relationships with people and I will not allow myself to be controlled by depression. It comes up very rarely with him now. My friends and family continue to love him.

Two other great things that come from being open about my partner's depression:

I'm maintaing real relationships with people and when things are good we still have friends to enjoy the good times with.

Other people feel able to share their experiences with me. More than one friend has discussed their own situations involving mental illness. We all benefit from the openness.

So what I've really done right is to trust the people that I love. If they let me down, I'll handle it. Trust has brought me love. Shame has only ever brought me isolation.

Flo